Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

People think that the reason I was so upset after the breakup was due to Daniela.  It was a bit, but it was about so much more.   About a week before she walked out on our relationship, I had come to so deeper realizations about my childhood and life.  It was full on trauma.  There were lots of things I was dealing with and in fact still am, and will be for awhile.  I discussed some of this with Daniela at the time, and I've uncovered more about it since then.  Her walking out on me and our relationship was a trigger of me feeling abandoned and alone since I was a kid.  I felt truly and utterly alone and worthless once again. Throw in trying to deal with ending a relationship with somebody who has zero ability to handle conflict, controlling, unhealed trauma, has narcissistic tendencies and it's a recipe for disaster.  She was and is a beautiful person on the outside.  I honestly believe our relationship was too much for her.  She had to blow it up because it was making her con

My weekends used to be full.  Well planned out, and normally busier than I would like.  I have gone from that to nothing.  I normally have very few things that I need to do, or events that I need to go to.  While once I was content, and even happy for this, I am now lonely and bored.  Good thing I have this hike to train for, otherwise I may not see anybody over the course of a weekend.  My people are back to being busy and scheduled, and I'm left on the outside looking in.   I don't want to busy myself just to be busy, I want to be busy doing things I love and enjoy.  Most people I know their social activities revolve around alcohol.  I really don't want to do that either.  I need to expand my circle of friends and people to do things with.  Dating is filling up some of that, but man how I wish that Daniela could have been the person I thought she was, instead of the person who she turned into being.  My fault, I ignored the signs.  I won't do that again.