Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

Therapy has saved my life this year.  Without my therapist and a group of friends, I'd have killed myself.  The abuse and carnage that was my relationship with Daniela Sosa was indescribable.  The way she blew things up, used everything I had told her in confidence against me was soul destroying.  We almost need a therapy group for people who have dated her.  I'm sure everybody has a similar story. So the dating a narcissist (cover narcissist in this case), and then the ending of the relationship, will bring back up every piece of trauma that you have ever encountered in your life.  It will make you confront every ounce of past trauma that you have ever experienced.  In the end this is a good thing because you will be further along your heeling than you were before, but the process is crushing. Soul destroying.  So many tears.  So many thoughts of why you are still here, because in the end why are you still doing this? How many times have I thought about my plan?  How many time

Let's see where this rant takes us.  Daniela Sosa is a covert narcissist.  She worked her magic on me hard.  Every time I think I'm over it and able to move on, my mind gets me sucked back in.  I'm also starting to see that certain people take advantage of me and I'm not standing for it anymore.  I'm not chasing people to be in my life.  If you don't want to be part of it then fine.  I won't be asking people to do things anymore.  Invite me or fuck off.  

I thought I was on a path to getting over all of this.  I had the trash the kitchen party over the weekend, in an attempt to reclaim the kitchen.  It felt ok, but I'm not sure what I expected.  I have been using the kitchen for it and since so I guess it worked.  Eating is not going to be my strong point ever.  Daniela Sosa destroyed that. You may wonder why I use her name.  I do because I don't want to shy away from the person who was the mastermind to my destruction.  I feel both angry and sad towards her.  Angry for what she did to me, and sadness for who she really is.  I have a hard time believing that she is that person.  I know she is but that is truly sad.  She will never be really happy.  She will always be in a cycle of love bombing and abuse.  I'd hate that.  Anyhow I need to write more, I need to read my therapy books, meet some new people, and find my happiness again.  So many people want to be around me and care for me, but I just want to hide.  

So I asked one of my best friends about this last Friday while we were out.  I cried obviously.  I told her I needed help with this list.  I think that takes away from the process, but I will be honest.  I'm stuck.  It's so hard somedays.   So I'm going to try.  This is a work in progress and I will add to it as I go this weekend. I see my therapist on Wednesday and I'd like to have this done as well as the angry letter to Daniela Sosa. Generous (Her thoughts).  Not sure how I feel about this because it makes me think I'm buying people which I hate.  Might need to reflect on that Loyal. (Her thoughts).   I am loyal to those that have been loyal to me Empathetic - I never used to be empathetic but I think going through therapy has allowed me to become the person I really am.  I used to see this as a sign of weakness, but I do try and understand where people are coming from and feel for them.   Soft - Not sure how to put this into words, but I know I'm a very soft

Lately I have been going to therapy every two weeks.  Before getting blown up by Daniela Sosa I went once every 4 weeks.  The increased frequency is really holding me accountable to doing the work.   I have almost finished the book about Healing the Shame that Binds You.  It's a good book, and a lot of it applies to me.  I need to embrace my younger self and cherish it and tell him that it will be ok.  My childhood was not ok.  I'm hoping to finish that book this weekend and then get onto my other two tasks that I have been putting off for awhile. I need to write a list of things I like about myself as well as write a letter to Daniela (not to be sent, to be read to my therapist) letting going of my anger.   Dealing with a partner like Daniela Sosa absolutely destroyed me. She took pleasure at the end in ripping me to shreds.  She took zero responsibility for her behaviour and in fact blamed me.  During the last several months of therapy I have been able to determine that she i

I'm not sure what to call this yet.  That woman I went on a date with probably a month ago or so, keeps getting stuck in my head.  I'm not sure what her reasons were to not wanting to go on a 3rd date were but I do respect her wishes.  It just seems like she was a lot of fun and smart and it would have been interesting to get to know her better. Whatever it is, I wish her the best. I've gone on several dates with a woman recently.  She is nice, funny and the conversations flow easily.  I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her though.  I think it's me though.  I don't think I'm ready to date seriously yet.  I think I'm still a bit messed up from dealing with Daniela the narcissist.  

People think that the reason I was so upset after the breakup was due to Daniela.  It was a bit, but it was about so much more.   About a week before she walked out on our relationship, I had come to so deeper realizations about my childhood and life.  It was full on trauma.  There were lots of things I was dealing with and in fact still am, and will be for awhile.  I discussed some of this with Daniela at the time, and I've uncovered more about it since then.  Her walking out on me and our relationship was a trigger of me feeling abandoned and alone since I was a kid.  I felt truly and utterly alone and worthless once again. Throw in trying to deal with ending a relationship with somebody who has zero ability to handle conflict, controlling, unhealed trauma, has narcissistic tendencies and it's a recipe for disaster.  She was and is a beautiful person on the outside.  I honestly believe our relationship was too much for her.  She had to blow it up because it was making her con

I honestly don't know what I would do.  If she came back, would I take her back?  Has she done any self reflection?  I doubt it.  After her last outburst blaming me for things that I didn't do, I don't think she has.  Nothing is ever this woman's fault.  It's such a shame though.  What we could have had would have been magical.  I get it though, you have to accept people for where they are at in life.  She was so fucking mean and destructive.  I've never in my life been treated like that. This hike is a good thing.  It has given me something to focus on but it's a distraction at best.  We hiked on Sunday and I totally and completely wasn't there.  I was going through the motions.  I need to focus on being present again.  

 So I've been dating.  Or rather I've been trying to date.  I'm confused and lost.  I go out with these women, they are very nice and very kind and I have some fun.  Good conversations but I don't feel anything.  I don't mean that I'm not attracted to them, I mean I'm going through the motions.  The one from several weeks ago keeps popping in my mind.  She was smart.  I'm not sure if she met somebody else, or if life just happened.  Life can be a real bitch. I keep thinking I'm going to run into Daniela.  I've been out and about more.  I'm sure it will happen at some point.  I try not to shrink when I'm out, and try to think about spreading my shoulders and claiming my space.  That's what I want to do.  Claim myself back.  Fuck what she put me through.  

So we are at PDAC.  I'm not sure if I have talked about this much here, but Daniela was extremely controlling and manipulative when it came to what I ate.  I have struggled to eat at all since mid March.  I'm down a shit ton of weight and it hasn't been healthy.  For some reason the mental block coms with me cooking.  I used to love to cook.  Lately I have been totally unable to and the thought of being in the kitchen triggers me, makes me feel like shit, and I normally end up in tears.  That being said I have learned that I can eat when I go out, or at other people's houses.  Not sure why that is, but I am working through that with my therapist. Anyhow, fast forward to Toronto and PDAC, and my stomach has been on a wild ride.  All different foods and cuisines, bread, cream, fat etc etc.  My stomach has been killing me.  My mouth loves it, the body less so.  It will adjust but it's been interesting.  

So Friday night I went and met a woman for some cider and a bit to eat.  Had a lovely night, she's quite cute and she thinks she is a conservative.  She really isn't but she loves the rhetoric.  I find it truly amazing how the right wing has been able to convince people that they are what's best for them, even though they are terrible for them personally.  I honestly don't really care.  If the conservatives get in, I am personally much better off, however I believe society is worse off.   If the liberals stay in power, I am personally worse off, however I believe society is better off.   Anyhow it was a fun night, we kissed and met for a hike the next day.  I needed to get out for a bit.  I have been chatting to a few other women and I'm really excited to meet them.  Two of them have long term potential, while one I think would be a lot of fun for both of us.  Time will tell.

I spoke with a colleague about what had happened, and one of my best friends.  It was nice to vent it out and get it off my chest.  I keep getting the feeling that I have done something to deserve this but I know it's not true.  One of the best things is that I love following rules.  I find rules helpful because I know how to behave and what to do in a given situation.  She is no longer allowed to contact me, and I'm not allowed to contact her either.  For some reason I find that to be a relief.  I do feel shame that the police had to get involved though.  I understand that this isn't a reflection on me, it's a reflection on her need to control everything.  I also understand that the people she surrounds herself with aren't good people either and that she isn't receiving the best support or advice.  My friends would never let me behave the way that she is. I was flipping through Instagram yesterday and something came up about Peter Pan syndrome.  It perfectly su

So last night I had a friend over and they used my computer.  Unbeknownst to me they apparently posted 1 star Google reviews on Daniela's two business pages.  So this morning I'm at work, working away and I get an email from Daniela. Apparently not only are there two reviews with my name, there are two other reviews under some other name as well as she is trying to blame me for her being posted on TheDirty.com.  I've had nothing to do with any of this.  I may know the person who did it, but I'm not sure, and nor is it any of my business.   So now she has threatened me again with the RCMP and she gave the name of the officer being a Troy Bevan.  With a quick google search I was able to determine that this individual works in the motor vehicle division.  I know it is Daniela's best friends uncle or relative.  Anyhow, I decided to phone the detachment and try and speak with him.  She says that if I don't take down the two Google reviews under my name, the two under

So that date that I went on last week where we kissed, will not be leading to a third date.  Sounds like she has found another route that she'd like to explore.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I guess I was rejected for somebody else, but I don't feel that bad about it.  She was a nice person, and I think we would have had fun together, but I 'm not sure if we would have been long term compatible.   I guess we will never know.   I think we would have made good friends though. Oh well onto the next. Strange thought just occurred to me.  This woman was smart.  Like smart smart.  I'm thinking she may have found this blog.

My weekends used to be full.  Well planned out, and normally busier than I would like.  I have gone from that to nothing.  I normally have very few things that I need to do, or events that I need to go to.  While once I was content, and even happy for this, I am now lonely and bored.  Good thing I have this hike to train for, otherwise I may not see anybody over the course of a weekend.  My people are back to being busy and scheduled, and I'm left on the outside looking in.   I don't want to busy myself just to be busy, I want to be busy doing things I love and enjoy.  Most people I know their social activities revolve around alcohol.  I really don't want to do that either.  I need to expand my circle of friends and people to do things with.  Dating is filling up some of that, but man how I wish that Daniela could have been the person I thought she was, instead of the person who she turned into being.  My fault, I ignored the signs.  I won't do that again.  

I had to go and pick up a wine shipment today from the other side of the city and I found myself getting triggered every time I saw a black BMW, which is the vehicle that Daniela Sosa drives.   Ugh.  If only the two of us could have met face to face to end this, instead of it having to be this stupid way.  It could have ended in a better way and I know we both would have been better off for it.  At some point we are going to come into contact with one another and I'd rather it be sooner than later.   Today has been an off day.  Must be the weather.  Going for a long hike tomorrow so hopefully that clears up my mentals.  

 So I went on a 2nd date with a lovely woman.  It had been about 3 weeks since our first date and I think that was a good thing.  It gave me perspective.  We had both been busy and she has two children so she doesn't have a ton of free time.  I understand that and respect it.  Now then, she asked me a very important question, have I dated a woman with kids before.  Well of course I have "dated" women with kids, but I have never had a serious relationship with somebody who has kids.  It does bring up a lot of interesting questions.  I'm not sure how that would work, or if it would be what I want.  That being said, it seems silly to exclude an entire population of people just because they have children. My goal of the date was to have some fun, be authentic and try to stay present.  I really struggle with being present.  I'm so good at faking that I'm there and going with the motions.  I've lived my whole life that way.  Ugh.  Anyhow we had a lovely evening,

Last night I attended a vegetarian cooking class at Okanagan Table.  It was something Daniela and I had looked at doing together but we could never find a class that would work for both of us, or stuff that she would eat.  Remember she was sorta vegetarian, vegan, and gf however she had strange exemptions from it. Anyhow when she kicked me to the curb, I needed to learn how to cook with more plants.  She controlled what we ate and how it was made.  So while she thought she was showing me stuff, she wasn't.  If I made it, I did it wrong.  If she made it, I'd just shut up and eat it and appreciate that somebody had made me food.  So I booked this class.  I was super nervous the day of the class.  For some reason I had it in my head that she would be there.  What would I do, and how would I handle it?  Also I was going by myself.  I thought I would be the only person going on my own.  Well suffice it to say I was so wrong on both accounts.  There were maybe 14 people in the class,

This process or what has happened to me is killing me.  I just can't let it go.  I'm trying, I really am.  I was so deeply and madly in love with somebody who I thought was my person.   I have been emotionally on my own since I was a young child (8 or 9 years old).  I had a terrible childhood.  I pushed it all down and didn't acknowledge it for over 30 years.  For the last 4 years I've been trying to deal with it through therapy and a lot of self work.  The process works but it sucks.  I finally got back to dating and I was cautious.  Then I met her.  I met Daniela Sosa.  She seemed too good to be real. Our relationship was very intense but awesome.  We had a lot in common, and enough differences.  This was the first time I can remember being truly happy in a relationship.  Then we told each other we loved one another and shit hit the fan. Everything changed.  She became controlling, manipulative and wouldn't take no for an answer.  I started walking on egg shells. 

I've taken a long break from posting.  I have no idea if anybody even knows that this exists anymore and I think that's a good thing.  I have been doing a lot of writing for myself over the last while, I just don't publish it anywhere. I started going to Therapy in January 2019.  I had finally realized that the way I was living my life wasn't making me happy.  I was in a relationship with a woman that I shouldn't have been.  She was somebody I wouldn't ever love and was just a filler and left me feeling empty.  So I wanted to work on becoming truly happy and figure out why I made such dumb decisions with women. So the process hasn't been a lot of fun.  I've lost some friends along the way as they weren't able to come along for the journey.  I was warned that this would be the case.  My other relationships have become even stronger and deeper.  I'm able to be vulnerable and open and say that I'm sorry when I truly am.   Fast forward to Decembe