Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

Kim Parcels.  What you did was wrong.  I think that you know it was wrong too.  I was honest with you. I told you that I didn't like you the way that you deserve.  I told you that we could be friends, but I wasn't interested in dating you anymore.  What did you do?  You saw an ex-gf of mine post me on that Facebook group, and you decided to tag along.  Instead of talking to me about it, I could have explained it to you., you went toxic.  That was truly sad.  Stephanie Boyle.  Once I found out about the post, things started to make sense for me.  For some strange reason I had had my Tinder, POF and Hinge accounts banned.  I never knew why, and the companies weren't useful in providing any information.  I now know that you were behind it.  Out of vengeance for me not wanting to date you, that was your game to play.  Ban me from dating period.  So Kimmie, you fell into her trap.  Instead of talking to me about it, you let your ignorance take over.

Therapy has saved my life this year.  Without my therapist and a group of friends, I'd have killed myself.  The abuse and carnage that was my relationship with Daniela Sosa was indescribable.  The way she blew things up, used everything I had told her in confidence against me was soul destroying.  We almost need a therapy group for people who have dated her.  I'm sure everybody has a similar story. So the dating a narcissist (cover narcissist in this case), and then the ending of the relationship, will bring back up every piece of trauma that you have ever encountered in your life.  It will make you confront every ounce of past trauma that you have ever experienced.  In the end this is a good thing because you will be further along your heeling than you were before, but the process is crushing. Soul destroying.  So many tears.  So many thoughts of why you are still here, because in the end why are you still doing this? How many times have I thought about my plan?  How many time

Let's see where this rant takes us.  Daniela Sosa is a covert narcissist.  She worked her magic on me hard.  Every time I think I'm over it and able to move on, my mind gets me sucked back in.  I'm also starting to see that certain people take advantage of me and I'm not standing for it anymore.  I'm not chasing people to be in my life.  If you don't want to be part of it then fine.  I won't be asking people to do things anymore.  Invite me or fuck off.  

I thought I was on a path to getting over all of this.  I had the trash the kitchen party over the weekend, in an attempt to reclaim the kitchen.  It felt ok, but I'm not sure what I expected.  I have been using the kitchen for it and since so I guess it worked.  Eating is not going to be my strong point ever.  Daniela Sosa destroyed that. You may wonder why I use her name.  I do because I don't want to shy away from the person who was the mastermind to my destruction.  I feel both angry and sad towards her.  Angry for what she did to me, and sadness for who she really is.  I have a hard time believing that she is that person.  I know she is but that is truly sad.  She will never be really happy.  She will always be in a cycle of love bombing and abuse.  I'd hate that.  Anyhow I need to write more, I need to read my therapy books, meet some new people, and find my happiness again.  So many people want to be around me and care for me, but I just want to hide.  

Lately I have been going to therapy every two weeks.  Before getting blown up by Daniela Sosa I went once every 4 weeks.  The increased frequency is really holding me accountable to doing the work.   I have almost finished the book about Healing the Shame that Binds You.  It's a good book, and a lot of it applies to me.  I need to embrace my younger self and cherish it and tell him that it will be ok.  My childhood was not ok.  I'm hoping to finish that book this weekend and then get onto my other two tasks that I have been putting off for awhile. I need to write a list of things I like about myself as well as write a letter to Daniela (not to be sent, to be read to my therapist) letting going of my anger.   Dealing with a partner like Daniela Sosa absolutely destroyed me. She took pleasure at the end in ripping me to shreds.  She took zero responsibility for her behaviour and in fact blamed me.  During the last several months of therapy I have been able to determine that she i

I honestly don't know what I would do.  If she came back, would I take her back?  Has she done any self reflection?  I doubt it.  After her last outburst blaming me for things that I didn't do, I don't think she has.  Nothing is ever this woman's fault.  It's such a shame though.  What we could have had would have been magical.  I get it though, you have to accept people for where they are at in life.  She was so fucking mean and destructive.  I've never in my life been treated like that. This hike is a good thing.  It has given me something to focus on but it's a distraction at best.  We hiked on Sunday and I totally and completely wasn't there.  I was going through the motions.  I need to focus on being present again.  

So we are at PDAC.  I'm not sure if I have talked about this much here, but Daniela was extremely controlling and manipulative when it came to what I ate.  I have struggled to eat at all since mid March.  I'm down a shit ton of weight and it hasn't been healthy.  For some reason the mental block coms with me cooking.  I used to love to cook.  Lately I have been totally unable to and the thought of being in the kitchen triggers me, makes me feel like shit, and I normally end up in tears.  That being said I have learned that I can eat when I go out, or at other people's houses.  Not sure why that is, but I am working through that with my therapist. Anyhow, fast forward to Toronto and PDAC, and my stomach has been on a wild ride.  All different foods and cuisines, bread, cream, fat etc etc.  My stomach has been killing me.  My mouth loves it, the body less so.  It will adjust but it's been interesting.  

I spoke with a colleague about what had happened, and one of my best friends.  It was nice to vent it out and get it off my chest.  I keep getting the feeling that I have done something to deserve this but I know it's not true.  One of the best things is that I love following rules.  I find rules helpful because I know how to behave and what to do in a given situation.  She is no longer allowed to contact me, and I'm not allowed to contact her either.  For some reason I find that to be a relief.  I do feel shame that the police had to get involved though.  I understand that this isn't a reflection on me, it's a reflection on her need to control everything.  I also understand that the people she surrounds herself with aren't good people either and that she isn't receiving the best support or advice.  My friends would never let me behave the way that she is. I was flipping through Instagram yesterday and something came up about Peter Pan syndrome.  It perfectly su