Therapy

Therapy has saved my life this year.  Without my therapist and a group of friends, I'd have killed myself.  The abuse and carnage that was my relationship with Daniela Sosa was indescribable.  The way she blew things up, used everything I had told her in confidence against me was soul destroying.  We almost need a therapy group for people who have dated her.  I'm sure everybody has a similar story.

So the dating a narcissist (cover narcissist in this case), and then the ending of the relationship, will bring back up every piece of trauma that you have ever encountered in your life.  It will make you confront every ounce of past trauma that you have ever experienced.  In the end this is a good thing because you will be further along your heeling than you were before, but the process is crushing. Soul destroying.  So many tears.  So many thoughts of why you are still here, because in the end why are you still doing this?

How many times have I thought about my plan?  How many times have I driven my car so fast, and all it would take is one small shift in the wheel, and then peace.  The sweet release of death.  

My childhood was terrible.  Why am I still here?  Why haven't I done things to get out of it?  For some reason I chose therapy, and chose to stay.  I have no clue why some days.  Daniela Sosa made it much much worse.  I was happy before I met her, and she destroyed it all.  Even after what she did to me, I feel sad for her.  She will never be happy.  She will never have a real relationship.  She will always suck and take from people instead of feeling the joy of a real, deep, connected relationship.  

I'm down today.  Down bad.  I told some news of a friend with cancer to people I thought knew, but didn't.  I'm fucked.  I don't want to face my friend.  He told me first and it meant a lot.  They mean a lot to me as friends.  I failed them.  Fuck.