Homework

Lately I have been going to therapy every two weeks.  Before getting blown up by Daniela Sosa I went once every 4 weeks.  The increased frequency is really holding me accountable to doing the work.  

I have almost finished the book about Healing the Shame that Binds You.  It's a good book, and a lot of it applies to me.  I need to embrace my younger self and cherish it and tell him that it will be ok.  My childhood was not ok.  I'm hoping to finish that book this weekend and then get onto my other two tasks that I have been putting off for awhile.

I need to write a list of things I like about myself as well as write a letter to Daniela (not to be sent, to be read to my therapist) letting going of my anger.  

Dealing with a partner like Daniela Sosa absolutely destroyed me. She took pleasure at the end in ripping me to shreds.  She took zero responsibility for her behaviour and in fact blamed me.  During the last several months of therapy I have been able to determine that she is in fact a covert narcissist. This should make me mad and angry but it doesn't.  It actually makes me feel sad for her.  She has never and probably will never deal with anything from her past.  Apparently one of the parts of being a narcissist is to project your behaviours onto others.  She did this in a text the day she left.  She actually called me a narcissist and a gaslighter when in fact it was her.  Apparently narcissistic people surround themselves with other narcissist's.  This makes total sense to me because her best friend Crystal is a total narcissist and a terrible person as well as her other friend Tiara.  I feel bad for Daniela for surrounding herself with such shitty people.  She doesn't actually have any true friends.  I really and truly did love this woman.  I wish beyond all things that she could have been the person I thought she was and not the person she turned out to be.  I'm still not sure which person is the real her.  Fuck I loved her so much.  Every time I do something, I was I could share it with her.  I know she doesn't feel the same about me.  I was disposable and was forgotten the day after she left.  I know why she couldn't see me after, she could never face what she had done and how poorly she had treated me.  I get it, narcissist's can't own there stuff.

So this weekend I'm going to write that fucking letter.  I need to.  I need to let the anger and hurt go.  I'm going to cry and rage and it's going to be good.  

The list of things about me is very difficult.  I don't like me most of the times.  People like Daniela Sosa make it hard to.  I'm alive and I haven't given up, but man would it be easy to give in.  Bad thoughts go through my head all the time.  Apparently part of that is because publicly and privately I won't allow myself to be angry with her, so I take it out on myself.  

I've started chatting again with that woman from a few months ago.  She seems super cool and I really do enjoy chatting with her.  I have no idea what happened for her, but I really do enjoy communicating with her.  Hopefully one day we will meet up again and can discuss.  I don't need to date her, but she does seem like a good person to have in your life, even if it's only as a friend.