Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

So that date that I went on last week where we kissed, will not be leading to a third date.  Sounds like she has found another route that she'd like to explore.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I guess I was rejected for somebody else, but I don't feel that bad about it.  She was a nice person, and I think we would have had fun together, but I 'm not sure if we would have been long term compatible.   I guess we will never know.   I think we would have made good friends though. Oh well onto the next. Strange thought just occurred to me.  This woman was smart.  Like smart smart.  I'm thinking she may have found this blog.

My weekends used to be full.  Well planned out, and normally busier than I would like.  I have gone from that to nothing.  I normally have very few things that I need to do, or events that I need to go to.  While once I was content, and even happy for this, I am now lonely and bored.  Good thing I have this hike to train for, otherwise I may not see anybody over the course of a weekend.  My people are back to being busy and scheduled, and I'm left on the outside looking in.   I don't want to busy myself just to be busy, I want to be busy doing things I love and enjoy.  Most people I know their social activities revolve around alcohol.  I really don't want to do that either.  I need to expand my circle of friends and people to do things with.  Dating is filling up some of that, but man how I wish that Daniela could have been the person I thought she was, instead of the person who she turned into being.  My fault, I ignored the signs.  I won't do that again.  

I had to go and pick up a wine shipment today from the other side of the city and I found myself getting triggered every time I saw a black BMW, which is the vehicle that Daniela Sosa drives.   Ugh.  If only the two of us could have met face to face to end this, instead of it having to be this stupid way.  It could have ended in a better way and I know we both would have been better off for it.  At some point we are going to come into contact with one another and I'd rather it be sooner than later.   Today has been an off day.  Must be the weather.  Going for a long hike tomorrow so hopefully that clears up my mentals.  

 So I went on a 2nd date with a lovely woman.  It had been about 3 weeks since our first date and I think that was a good thing.  It gave me perspective.  We had both been busy and she has two children so she doesn't have a ton of free time.  I understand that and respect it.  Now then, she asked me a very important question, have I dated a woman with kids before.  Well of course I have "dated" women with kids, but I have never had a serious relationship with somebody who has kids.  It does bring up a lot of interesting questions.  I'm not sure how that would work, or if it would be what I want.  That being said, it seems silly to exclude an entire population of people just because they have children. My goal of the date was to have some fun, be authentic and try to stay present.  I really struggle with being present.  I'm so good at faking that I'm there and going with the motions.  I've lived my whole life that way.  Ugh.  Anyhow we had a lovely evening,

Last night I attended a vegetarian cooking class at Okanagan Table.  It was something Daniela and I had looked at doing together but we could never find a class that would work for both of us, or stuff that she would eat.  Remember she was sorta vegetarian, vegan, and gf however she had strange exemptions from it. Anyhow when she kicked me to the curb, I needed to learn how to cook with more plants.  She controlled what we ate and how it was made.  So while she thought she was showing me stuff, she wasn't.  If I made it, I did it wrong.  If she made it, I'd just shut up and eat it and appreciate that somebody had made me food.  So I booked this class.  I was super nervous the day of the class.  For some reason I had it in my head that she would be there.  What would I do, and how would I handle it?  Also I was going by myself.  I thought I would be the only person going on my own.  Well suffice it to say I was so wrong on both accounts.  There were maybe 14 people in the class,

This process or what has happened to me is killing me.  I just can't let it go.  I'm trying, I really am.  I was so deeply and madly in love with somebody who I thought was my person.   I have been emotionally on my own since I was a young child (8 or 9 years old).  I had a terrible childhood.  I pushed it all down and didn't acknowledge it for over 30 years.  For the last 4 years I've been trying to deal with it through therapy and a lot of self work.  The process works but it sucks.  I finally got back to dating and I was cautious.  Then I met her.  I met Daniela Sosa.  She seemed too good to be real. Our relationship was very intense but awesome.  We had a lot in common, and enough differences.  This was the first time I can remember being truly happy in a relationship.  Then we told each other we loved one another and shit hit the fan. Everything changed.  She became controlling, manipulative and wouldn't take no for an answer.  I started walking on egg shells. 

I've taken a long break from posting.  I have no idea if anybody even knows that this exists anymore and I think that's a good thing.  I have been doing a lot of writing for myself over the last while, I just don't publish it anywhere. I started going to Therapy in January 2019.  I had finally realized that the way I was living my life wasn't making me happy.  I was in a relationship with a woman that I shouldn't have been.  She was somebody I wouldn't ever love and was just a filler and left me feeling empty.  So I wanted to work on becoming truly happy and figure out why I made such dumb decisions with women. So the process hasn't been a lot of fun.  I've lost some friends along the way as they weren't able to come along for the journey.  I was warned that this would be the case.  My other relationships have become even stronger and deeper.  I'm able to be vulnerable and open and say that I'm sorry when I truly am.   Fast forward to Decembe