This Sucks

This process or what has happened to me is killing me.  I just can't let it go.  I'm trying, I really am.  I was so deeply and madly in love with somebody who I thought was my person.  

I have been emotionally on my own since I was a young child (8 or 9 years old).  I had a terrible childhood.  I pushed it all down and didn't acknowledge it for over 30 years.  For the last 4 years I've been trying to deal with it through therapy and a lot of self work.  The process works but it sucks.  I finally got back to dating and I was cautious.  Then I met her.  I met Daniela Sosa.  She seemed too good to be real. Our relationship was very intense but awesome.  We had a lot in common, and enough differences.  This was the first time I can remember being truly happy in a relationship.  Then we told each other we loved one another and shit hit the fan.

Everything changed.  She became controlling, manipulative and wouldn't take no for an answer.  I started walking on egg shells.  If I didn't agree with her, I was being argumentative and couldn't let things go.  It became her way or the highway.  She shut down and was no longer able to talk about things. I had one of the worst weeks in my life, and instead of my partner being by myside, she ran away from me.  I get it she can't handle conflict and she runs from it.  I was dating a 44 year old that when things don't go her way reverted back to her teenage self.  I haven't seen her since.  She was physically and emotionally unable to end the relationship in a mature fashion.  I was abondend.  Again.  

I really thought I was no longer alone in this world, only to realize that once again I was.  I'm absolutely devastated.  The things she said to me after her left were some of the meanest and cruelest things I've ever been told.  She had to blow it up, because that's her way of creating distance and not making it her fault.  I've done it before too so I understand.  It's not right.  I have apologized for everything I've done wrong.  We aren't perfect, nobody is, but she was unwilling to say sorry to me at all.  She won't own anything.

The sad thing is that I miss her.  I would even consider taking her back if she was willing to do some self work.  I don't think she is though.  Her circle of friends are extremely toxic as well.  That didn't help.  I keep holding out hope that she will change course but she won't.  Part of me hopes she moves back to Vancouver and the other doesn't.  Selfishly if she moved away I wouldn't have to run into her.  However, she moved here for the right reasons and I hope for you sake she stays.  She needs to surround herself with better people though.  Everything is about drinking or pretending to be something she's not.  I know who she is when she let's her guard down and she is/was fucking amazing.  The stuff that comes out when she feels threatened, I don't think that's her.  That's just a defense mechanism.  

I've started a bit of dating and it is rough as fuck.  I'm so fucking lonely.  I was happy and fine before I met Daniela, but after I'm not.  I saw what life could be with somebody amazing.  I don't need that to be happy, and I can be happy on my own, but for once in your life to not be alone and to feel like you had a partner, was pretty fucking awesome.  

I've been talking to this one woman and we keep trying to meet up but nothing works.  Not sure if that's a sign or not.  Our conversations are amazing and I think it could work out.  I hope I'm in the right headspace for this.  

I'm going to a vegetarian cooking class tonight.  I have a terrible fear that Daniela will be there as well on a date of course.  I'm sure she already has a new boyfriend.  It struck such fear in me, that I had a terrible sleep.

It's been almost 2 months since she ran out the door.  I never thought that would be the last time I saw her.  If she is there tonight, I'm going to hold my ground.  I'm not going to run, I'm going to make the best of it.  I need to reclaim me.