Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

People think that the reason I was so upset after the breakup was due to Daniela.  It was a bit, but it was about so much more.   About a week before she walked out on our relationship, I had come to so deeper realizations about my childhood and life.  It was full on trauma.  There were lots of things I was dealing with and in fact still am, and will be for awhile.  I discussed some of this with Daniela at the time, and I've uncovered more about it since then.  Her walking out on me and our relationship was a trigger of me feeling abandoned and alone since I was a kid.  I felt truly and utterly alone and worthless once again. Throw in trying to deal with ending a relationship with somebody who has zero ability to handle conflict, controlling, unhealed trauma, has narcissistic tendencies and it's a recipe for disaster.  She was and is a beautiful person on the outside.  I honestly believe our relationship was too much for her.  She had to blow it up because it was making her con

I honestly don't know what I would do.  If she came back, would I take her back?  Has she done any self reflection?  I doubt it.  After her last outburst blaming me for things that I didn't do, I don't think she has.  Nothing is ever this woman's fault.  It's such a shame though.  What we could have had would have been magical.  I get it though, you have to accept people for where they are at in life.  She was so fucking mean and destructive.  I've never in my life been treated like that. This hike is a good thing.  It has given me something to focus on but it's a distraction at best.  We hiked on Sunday and I totally and completely wasn't there.  I was going through the motions.  I need to focus on being present again.  

 So I've been dating.  Or rather I've been trying to date.  I'm confused and lost.  I go out with these women, they are very nice and very kind and I have some fun.  Good conversations but I don't feel anything.  I don't mean that I'm not attracted to them, I mean I'm going through the motions.  The one from several weeks ago keeps popping in my mind.  She was smart.  I'm not sure if she met somebody else, or if life just happened.  Life can be a real bitch. I keep thinking I'm going to run into Daniela.  I've been out and about more.  I'm sure it will happen at some point.  I try not to shrink when I'm out, and try to think about spreading my shoulders and claiming my space.  That's what I want to do.  Claim myself back.  Fuck what she put me through.  

So we are at PDAC.  I'm not sure if I have talked about this much here, but Daniela was extremely controlling and manipulative when it came to what I ate.  I have struggled to eat at all since mid March.  I'm down a shit ton of weight and it hasn't been healthy.  For some reason the mental block coms with me cooking.  I used to love to cook.  Lately I have been totally unable to and the thought of being in the kitchen triggers me, makes me feel like shit, and I normally end up in tears.  That being said I have learned that I can eat when I go out, or at other people's houses.  Not sure why that is, but I am working through that with my therapist. Anyhow, fast forward to Toronto and PDAC, and my stomach has been on a wild ride.  All different foods and cuisines, bread, cream, fat etc etc.  My stomach has been killing me.  My mouth loves it, the body less so.  It will adjust but it's been interesting.  

So Friday night I went and met a woman for some cider and a bit to eat.  Had a lovely night, she's quite cute and she thinks she is a conservative.  She really isn't but she loves the rhetoric.  I find it truly amazing how the right wing has been able to convince people that they are what's best for them, even though they are terrible for them personally.  I honestly don't really care.  If the conservatives get in, I am personally much better off, however I believe society is worse off.   If the liberals stay in power, I am personally worse off, however I believe society is better off.   Anyhow it was a fun night, we kissed and met for a hike the next day.  I needed to get out for a bit.  I have been chatting to a few other women and I'm really excited to meet them.  Two of them have long term potential, while one I think would be a lot of fun for both of us.  Time will tell.

I spoke with a colleague about what had happened, and one of my best friends.  It was nice to vent it out and get it off my chest.  I keep getting the feeling that I have done something to deserve this but I know it's not true.  One of the best things is that I love following rules.  I find rules helpful because I know how to behave and what to do in a given situation.  She is no longer allowed to contact me, and I'm not allowed to contact her either.  For some reason I find that to be a relief.  I do feel shame that the police had to get involved though.  I understand that this isn't a reflection on me, it's a reflection on her need to control everything.  I also understand that the people she surrounds herself with aren't good people either and that she isn't receiving the best support or advice.  My friends would never let me behave the way that she is. I was flipping through Instagram yesterday and something came up about Peter Pan syndrome.  It perfectly su

So last night I had a friend over and they used my computer.  Unbeknownst to me they apparently posted 1 star Google reviews on Daniela's two business pages.  So this morning I'm at work, working away and I get an email from Daniela. Apparently not only are there two reviews with my name, there are two other reviews under some other name as well as she is trying to blame me for her being posted on TheDirty.com.  I've had nothing to do with any of this.  I may know the person who did it, but I'm not sure, and nor is it any of my business.   So now she has threatened me again with the RCMP and she gave the name of the officer being a Troy Bevan.  With a quick google search I was able to determine that this individual works in the motor vehicle division.  I know it is Daniela's best friends uncle or relative.  Anyhow, I decided to phone the detachment and try and speak with him.  She says that if I don't take down the two Google reviews under my name, the two under