Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

So I asked one of my best friends about this last Friday while we were out.  I cried obviously.  I told her I needed help with this list.  I think that takes away from the process, but I will be honest.  I'm stuck.  It's so hard somedays.   So I'm going to try.  This is a work in progress and I will add to it as I go this weekend. I see my therapist on Wednesday and I'd like to have this done as well as the angry letter to Daniela Sosa. Generous (Her thoughts).  Not sure how I feel about this because it makes me think I'm buying people which I hate.  Might need to reflect on that Loyal. (Her thoughts).   I am loyal to those that have been loyal to me Empathetic - I never used to be empathetic but I think going through therapy has allowed me to become the person I really am.  I used to see this as a sign of weakness, but I do try and understand where people are coming from and feel for them.   Soft - Not sure how to put this into words, but I know I'm a very soft

Lately I have been going to therapy every two weeks.  Before getting blown up by Daniela Sosa I went once every 4 weeks.  The increased frequency is really holding me accountable to doing the work.   I have almost finished the book about Healing the Shame that Binds You.  It's a good book, and a lot of it applies to me.  I need to embrace my younger self and cherish it and tell him that it will be ok.  My childhood was not ok.  I'm hoping to finish that book this weekend and then get onto my other two tasks that I have been putting off for awhile. I need to write a list of things I like about myself as well as write a letter to Daniela (not to be sent, to be read to my therapist) letting going of my anger.   Dealing with a partner like Daniela Sosa absolutely destroyed me. She took pleasure at the end in ripping me to shreds.  She took zero responsibility for her behaviour and in fact blamed me.  During the last several months of therapy I have been able to determine that she i

I'm not sure what to call this yet.  That woman I went on a date with probably a month ago or so, keeps getting stuck in my head.  I'm not sure what her reasons were to not wanting to go on a 3rd date were but I do respect her wishes.  It just seems like she was a lot of fun and smart and it would have been interesting to get to know her better. Whatever it is, I wish her the best. I've gone on several dates with a woman recently.  She is nice, funny and the conversations flow easily.  I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her though.  I think it's me though.  I don't think I'm ready to date seriously yet.  I think I'm still a bit messed up from dealing with Daniela the narcissist.  

People think that the reason I was so upset after the breakup was due to Daniela.  It was a bit, but it was about so much more.   About a week before she walked out on our relationship, I had come to so deeper realizations about my childhood and life.  It was full on trauma.  There were lots of things I was dealing with and in fact still am, and will be for awhile.  I discussed some of this with Daniela at the time, and I've uncovered more about it since then.  Her walking out on me and our relationship was a trigger of me feeling abandoned and alone since I was a kid.  I felt truly and utterly alone and worthless once again. Throw in trying to deal with ending a relationship with somebody who has zero ability to handle conflict, controlling, unhealed trauma, has narcissistic tendencies and it's a recipe for disaster.  She was and is a beautiful person on the outside.  I honestly believe our relationship was too much for her.  She had to blow it up because it was making her con

I honestly don't know what I would do.  If she came back, would I take her back?  Has she done any self reflection?  I doubt it.  After her last outburst blaming me for things that I didn't do, I don't think she has.  Nothing is ever this woman's fault.  It's such a shame though.  What we could have had would have been magical.  I get it though, you have to accept people for where they are at in life.  She was so fucking mean and destructive.  I've never in my life been treated like that. This hike is a good thing.  It has given me something to focus on but it's a distraction at best.  We hiked on Sunday and I totally and completely wasn't there.  I was going through the motions.  I need to focus on being present again.  

 So I've been dating.  Or rather I've been trying to date.  I'm confused and lost.  I go out with these women, they are very nice and very kind and I have some fun.  Good conversations but I don't feel anything.  I don't mean that I'm not attracted to them, I mean I'm going through the motions.  The one from several weeks ago keeps popping in my mind.  She was smart.  I'm not sure if she met somebody else, or if life just happened.  Life can be a real bitch. I keep thinking I'm going to run into Daniela.  I've been out and about more.  I'm sure it will happen at some point.  I try not to shrink when I'm out, and try to think about spreading my shoulders and claiming my space.  That's what I want to do.  Claim myself back.  Fuck what she put me through.  

So we are at PDAC.  I'm not sure if I have talked about this much here, but Daniela was extremely controlling and manipulative when it came to what I ate.  I have struggled to eat at all since mid March.  I'm down a shit ton of weight and it hasn't been healthy.  For some reason the mental block coms with me cooking.  I used to love to cook.  Lately I have been totally unable to and the thought of being in the kitchen triggers me, makes me feel like shit, and I normally end up in tears.  That being said I have learned that I can eat when I go out, or at other people's houses.  Not sure why that is, but I am working through that with my therapist. Anyhow, fast forward to Toronto and PDAC, and my stomach has been on a wild ride.  All different foods and cuisines, bread, cream, fat etc etc.  My stomach has been killing me.  My mouth loves it, the body less so.  It will adjust but it's been interesting.