Random Thoughts by Ktownbuddha

Therapy has saved my life this year.  Without my therapist and a group of friends, I'd have killed myself.  The abuse and carnage that was my relationship with Daniela Sosa was indescribable.  The way she blew things up, used everything I had told her in confidence against me was soul destroying.  We almost need a therapy group for people who have dated her.  I'm sure everybody has a similar story. So the dating a narcissist (cover narcissist in this case), and then the ending of the relationship, will bring back up every piece of trauma that you have ever encountered in your life.  It will make you confront every ounce of past trauma that you have ever experienced.  In the end this is a good thing because you will be further along your heeling than you were before, but the process is crushing. Soul destroying.  So many tears.  So many thoughts of why you are still here, because in the end why are you still doing this? How many times have I thought about my plan?  How many time

Let's see where this rant takes us.  Daniela Sosa is a covert narcissist.  She worked her magic on me hard.  Every time I think I'm over it and able to move on, my mind gets me sucked back in.  I'm also starting to see that certain people take advantage of me and I'm not standing for it anymore.  I'm not chasing people to be in my life.  If you don't want to be part of it then fine.  I won't be asking people to do things anymore.  Invite me or fuck off.  

I thought I was on a path to getting over all of this.  I had the trash the kitchen party over the weekend, in an attempt to reclaim the kitchen.  It felt ok, but I'm not sure what I expected.  I have been using the kitchen for it and since so I guess it worked.  Eating is not going to be my strong point ever.  Daniela Sosa destroyed that. You may wonder why I use her name.  I do because I don't want to shy away from the person who was the mastermind to my destruction.  I feel both angry and sad towards her.  Angry for what she did to me, and sadness for who she really is.  I have a hard time believing that she is that person.  I know she is but that is truly sad.  She will never be really happy.  She will always be in a cycle of love bombing and abuse.  I'd hate that.  Anyhow I need to write more, I need to read my therapy books, meet some new people, and find my happiness again.  So many people want to be around me and care for me, but I just want to hide.  

So I asked one of my best friends about this last Friday while we were out.  I cried obviously.  I told her I needed help with this list.  I think that takes away from the process, but I will be honest.  I'm stuck.  It's so hard somedays.   So I'm going to try.  This is a work in progress and I will add to it as I go this weekend. I see my therapist on Wednesday and I'd like to have this done as well as the angry letter to Daniela Sosa. Generous (Her thoughts).  Not sure how I feel about this because it makes me think I'm buying people which I hate.  Might need to reflect on that Loyal. (Her thoughts).   I am loyal to those that have been loyal to me Empathetic - I never used to be empathetic but I think going through therapy has allowed me to become the person I really am.  I used to see this as a sign of weakness, but I do try and understand where people are coming from and feel for them.   Soft - Not sure how to put this into words, but I know I'm a very soft

Lately I have been going to therapy every two weeks.  Before getting blown up by Daniela Sosa I went once every 4 weeks.  The increased frequency is really holding me accountable to doing the work.   I have almost finished the book about Healing the Shame that Binds You.  It's a good book, and a lot of it applies to me.  I need to embrace my younger self and cherish it and tell him that it will be ok.  My childhood was not ok.  I'm hoping to finish that book this weekend and then get onto my other two tasks that I have been putting off for awhile. I need to write a list of things I like about myself as well as write a letter to Daniela (not to be sent, to be read to my therapist) letting going of my anger.   Dealing with a partner like Daniela Sosa absolutely destroyed me. She took pleasure at the end in ripping me to shreds.  She took zero responsibility for her behaviour and in fact blamed me.  During the last several months of therapy I have been able to determine that she i

I'm not sure what to call this yet.  That woman I went on a date with probably a month ago or so, keeps getting stuck in my head.  I'm not sure what her reasons were to not wanting to go on a 3rd date were but I do respect her wishes.  It just seems like she was a lot of fun and smart and it would have been interesting to get to know her better. Whatever it is, I wish her the best. I've gone on several dates with a woman recently.  She is nice, funny and the conversations flow easily.  I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her though.  I think it's me though.  I don't think I'm ready to date seriously yet.  I think I'm still a bit messed up from dealing with Daniela the narcissist.  

People think that the reason I was so upset after the breakup was due to Daniela.  It was a bit, but it was about so much more.   About a week before she walked out on our relationship, I had come to so deeper realizations about my childhood and life.  It was full on trauma.  There were lots of things I was dealing with and in fact still am, and will be for awhile.  I discussed some of this with Daniela at the time, and I've uncovered more about it since then.  Her walking out on me and our relationship was a trigger of me feeling abandoned and alone since I was a kid.  I felt truly and utterly alone and worthless once again. Throw in trying to deal with ending a relationship with somebody who has zero ability to handle conflict, controlling, unhealed trauma, has narcissistic tendencies and it's a recipe for disaster.  She was and is a beautiful person on the outside.  I honestly believe our relationship was too much for her.  She had to blow it up because it was making her con